


Regrets - Levi Ackerman x Reader

by clefairymuke



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Dominant Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi Needs a Hug (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi is not old, Light BDSM, Loss of Parent(s), Minor Character Death, Mommy Issues, Past Character Death, Pretend Levi is like 20, Slow Burn, Soft Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Toxic Relationship, Trauma, Trauma Bonding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:47:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28777032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clefairymuke/pseuds/clefairymuke
Summary: You are a new member of the Scout Regiment: brazen, bold, and difficult. You have a lot of regrets in your life, like most, but your biggest one? Ever being face to face with Captain Levi Ackerman.
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Reader, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader
Comments: 79
Kudos: 291





	1. regrets

If you had one regret, it was likely joining the Scout Regiment. It was loathsome, particularly unbearable, and absolutely, one-hundred percent regrettable. 

Okay, you were dramatizing it a bit. Though you felt that way as you threw on your jacket and laced your boots at the very crack of dawn, you knew deep down that the day you joined the Scouts was one of the proudest in your life. Besides, you had many other more obvious regrets. Perhaps you had a knack for pessimism, but they filled your head daily. Small regrets and unprecedentedly large ones frequented your mind, from what you had eaten for dinner the day before to the screaming that haunted your dreams each night. Regret was practically your middle name.

You groaned as you finished the last buckle, this one on your thigh, and ran your hand through your knotted hair. You opted to leave your hair long, despite the impracticality, maybe as a testament to individuality. You tied it into a haphazard knot on the back of your head and rose from the edge of your uncomfortable bed. On your left, you observed, Christa was lacing her boots, her delicate features pinched into a focused glare. Your eyes met Ymir's as she watched from the opposite side, her cheeks becoming rosy as she directed her gaze to the ground, instead. 

"Christa," you called, turning to face her. You watched her eyes travel from her boot up to you. Ymir's eyes followed hers.

"Yes?"

"Your boots are on the wrong feet," you chuckled, plopping behind her in her bed.

She looked annoyed for a moment as she unlaced them and pulled them off viciously. Then, she giggled. "You're unusually bearable for it to be this early in the morning. Did you have a good dream?"

"I had a horrible dream, actually. But this feels like a good day." You placed your hands behind your head and leaned back, closing your eyes.

"I really doubt that training will make for a good day," a voice cut in. Sasha. "I'm looking forward to breakfast, though."

The four of you escorted each other to breakfast, laughter filling the corridors as you discussed meaningless things. Ymir's arm was thrown lazily over Christa as you focused your attention on Sasha's plot to sneak food back to the dorm after breakfast. You all joined Jean and Connie at your typical breakfast table, your trays loaded with bread, soup, and a potato.

You sat next to Jean, his attention turning away from Connie and greeting you with a smile. "Good morning! How did you sleep?"

"I slept horribly!" You said cheerfully, gaining a chuckle from Jean. "What about you, dearest?" You asked sarcastically, shoveling a spoonful of soup into your mouth. It was bland, lukewarm, and frankly disgusting. But it was food.

"I slept just fine, somehow. Were you aware of the fact that Connie has the first place award for loudest snoring?"

Jean had been your best friend since basically the day you enlisted. You figured your friendship would come to an end when you inevitably chose the Scouts and Jean joined the Military Police, but his decision left you elated. He was an undeniable asshole, but so were you. You rested your head on his shoulder as Connie told a story that left you all roaring with laughter, earning a glare from Mikasa as she practically hung from Eren's side. 

It was getting close to time to enact Sasha's plan. You eyed Jean with a sideways glance, then poked him. "Listen," you whispered, "Sasha has a plan. You won't want to participate, but you'll do it because I'm asking you to." You shot him a mischievous smile as he rolled his eyes. You informed the table of their mission as if it was a much more serious endeavor.

The plan was simple. Jean would create a distraction by starting an argument with Eren, which is probably the easiest thing anyone could task him with. Sasha, though capable, was not the best choice to actually steal the food. She would keep watch to ensure that none of their superiors extended their attention past Jean and Eren's altercation. Christa and Ymir could not be bothered to participate, as expected, and Connie would likely do more harm than good. You would be the one to actually take the food.

Jean rose suddenly and called out, "Hey, Eren!" before strutting to their table. You and Sasha shared a hurried glance before looking back to the pair. You could not hear Jean's words, but you could see anger growing prominent on Eren's face. Mikasa, though her face was stone cold, allowed her eyes to hint that her anger matched his. You watched until you were sure everyone's eyes were on them, then you nodded softly at Sasha before rising from your seat. 

You walked calmly through the dining hall, heading straight for the stock room. You peeked over your shoulder routinely, seeing that Eren was now standing, looking threateningly at Jean. You couldn't help but laugh. As you reached the door, you heard shouting. You turned your head to see that Eren and Jean's argument had turned into a full blown fist fight. You stopped to think that Jean was going to literally kill you and Sasha later. You watched as Hange rushed over to them, attempting to cut through the crowd that had gathered around them. Jean deserved to be congratulated for his distraction. 

You opened the door slowly, looking back to be sure that Sasha wasn't giving you the signal. You slipped in and shut it behind you, looking in front of you at the massive food supply. You filled your arms as much as you could with bread and potatoes. You and Sasha would be satisfied for days. If you could make it out of the closet, slip into the corridor directly to your left, and walk as quickly as you could, this would succeed with only Jean getting in trouble for something he would've done anyway. Five more minutes of this plan working out and you would all be home free. You pressed your ear to the door, hearing nothing but shouts and the unmistakable sound of fists hitting skin. You were safe.

You pulled the door open, careful not to spill anything you were holding. As it crept open, you realized that you absolutely had a brand new regret: going through with this plan.

Your eyes met slate grey ones framed by raven-colored hair. The eyes were narrowed into a disapproving glare. You offered an innocent smile, but your doom was absolute.

On the other side of the door stood Levi fucking Ackerman.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Levi tells you to come to his office after the food-stealing fiasco, and you dread it deeply.

Your stomach was so low you were sure it had sunk to your feet as Levi briskly and monotonously informed you that you were to come to his office directly after breakfast. As he exited the dining hall, you could see that the fight between Eren and Jean had been broken up, presumably by Hange, and the crowd had dispersed. With the ten minutes you had left of your failed breakfast, you elected to return to your seat next to a bruised Jean. 

"So that sucked," you stated flatly at an attempt to lighten the sullen mood. Sasha offered you a smile, while Jean punched your shoulder playfully.

"Sorry I couldn't warn you about Captain Levi. He completely ignored me when I tried to stop him," she said through a mouthful of potatoes from Connie's plate. "We'll get 'em next time."

"If he doesn't personally execute me when I go to his office, that is," you groaned, resting your forehead against your hand. "What kind of trouble are you in, Jean?"

"Just cleaning the entire boys' dorms. I think they're tired of disciplining me and that asshole by now. It's always the same thing." Jean rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat, the bruise around his eye growing more prominent by the minute. 

"He must have fucked you up pretty bad," you chuckled. "You look terrible, man."

"I'll be sure not to hold back on you when I see what you look like after leaving Captain Levi's office," he retorted. "You should get your ass beat for forcing me to look at Eren for more than a second."

You laughed, but you were undeniably scared. Levi was absolutely insufferable; his dry demeanor and subtle holier-than-thou attitude made you want to puke. What made it worse is that he could back it up with his blatant skill. You had hated him since you first laid eyes on him. Many of the Scouts looked up to him, but, despite obvious reasons to do the same, you wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. 

\---

You stood outside his office door and drew in a deep breath before knocking twice. You considered turning around, going to training like you were supposed to, and dealing with the consequences later; unfortunately, when you heard an exasperated voice tell you to come in, you chose to face Levi now rather than later.

You entered the spotless room and couldn't help but notice its simplicity. In the center sat a wooden desk with a chair on either side. The bookshelf to its left was full, but neatly arranged. A teapot and a single cup sat on the desk, but that seemed to be the only other noticeable feature. Behind the only obstacle between you and your current least favorite person in the world, he sat with a pen in his hand and papers sprawled out in front of him.

"May I assume that Jean started that fight as a distraction in aid to you?" He got straight to the point.

You snorted, earning a raised eyebrow. "You may not," you said confidently.

"That's fine. Someone will admit to it," he commented, taking a sip from his teacup. "So I am to believe that you happened to encounter a worthy distraction, none of your annoying friends were involved, and that you intended to hide all of that food for yourself, I gather?"

"That is what happened." You knew he believed none of your lies by the way his grey eyes pierced through you. You rolled yours in response. "Good luck on collecting evidence otherwise, though. I hope you're able to succeed."

"Have you always been such a brat, or have I not been previously graced with the opportunity to witness it myself?" Levi asked in his own version of being snide. That was yet another thing you hated about him. His angry voice: monotone. His sarcastic voice: monotone. His happy voice (if there was one): monotone. If he had ever in his life managed to get laid, you thought that he likely was monotone there, too. You giggled at your own imagination.

"Born and raised, sir. 'Bratty' is surely one of the first words you'd see in my file."

"Is something here funny to you, or am I not seeing some obvious joke?" His eyebrow lifted again. You noted to never raise your eyebrow ever again, as it was decidedly one of the most annoying things you've ever noticed about another person.

"Sir, I don't believe you would know a joke if it bit you in the ass," you replied, matching his snide remarks. If he wanted to be a sarcastic ass, you decided you would be, too. 

"Here's one I find quite funny: you are to clean mine, Hange's, and Erwin's suites by nightfall. You will be on stable duty for two weeks. Understood?" He set down his pen angrily. You must have hit a nerve, or at least you hoped so. 

"That's all? Your room looks pretty clean to me, Levi."

"Captain. And you would be surprised about how long it takes. I only expect the best. I will be inspecting each suite upon completion. Don't expect to finish them in one go. I will be thorough." 

"You're pretty good at keeping calm when you're pissed off. I'm sure I can clean a few rooms without fucking it up too bad. I appreciate your confidence in me, Levi, it's truly flattering," you felt your lips tug up into a smirk. "Can I go to training now?"

"It's Captain to you. That is the last time you will be reminded. You are dismissed. Report to Hange's room directly after training."

You nodded smugly and turned toward the door. Your punishment, you thought, wasn't as bad as it could've been. Plus, there was no greater reward than fucking with Levi. The meeting had not gone as horribly as you had assumed it would.

"Oh," he said suddenly, causing you to turn back to him, meeting his stone cold glare, "and you haven't seen me pissed off yet, brat."


	3. stables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a heated argument with Levi leaves you furious, you spend some time with an unlikely friend in the stables: Eren.

Levi's words had undeniably left you a bit shaken; this contributed to the pit in your stomach when you approached his door for the second time that day. Something about the way he glared at you -- so angry yet calm, terrifying yet serene -- had been the frontmost thing in your mind all day. His eyes cut straight through you in a way that you had never experienced. You nearly shivered as you raised your hand to knock on the door. You knocked twice and stood back, waiting for him to say, "Come in."

He didn't, though. He opened the door within moments, like he had been waiting. He looked different now. He was not wearing his typical uniform and cravat combo, which you thought made him look like a dunce anyways. He was dressed in a simple grey long-sleeve shirt and brown pants. On his feet were a pair of white socks. When your eyes came to his face, you noticed that his hair was a bit messy. If he wasn't such a pain in your ass, he might have been somewhat attractive. 

"Are you going to keep staring, or are you going to say something?" he asked, breaking you from your unknowing trance of studying him. And with that, all of your musing about him disappeared and he was back to being the bane of your existence. 

"I was just trying to figure out how you managed to pull that stupid tie from around your neck without having a conniption. I thought you probably showered in it," you told him as he stood back to let you in. The room was as you left it last, completely tidy. 

"How did you make it this far being this disrespectful?"

"A lot of determination. So what exactly am I to clean?" You looked around searching for even a speck of dust. None was to be found. 

He scoffed at you. "Do you honestly think I sleep, cook, and shower at this very desk? Believe it or not, I function pretty similarly to the average human being. I did say you would be cleaning the entire suite." 

"Okay, asshole. You don't have to make me feel like an idiot." You felt the blood rushing to your cheeks and tried desperately to fight it off, if such a thing was possible.

"It's easier because you truly are one."

"An idiot?"

"That is what I said. Do you have hearing problems, brat?" He combed a piece of hair out of his face as you huffed. "Can you just get to cleaning and get the fuck out of my hair? If you would just be obedient and stop doing stupid shit, we'd never have to be in this situation again."

"If you would've minded your own business and let us have a little extra food, we wouldn't have to be anywhere near each other, either!" You threw your hands up in an overly exaggerated shrug. Messing with Levi was no longer fun. It was utterly infuriating. "What do you care if I'm a little disobedient? How does it affect you, Levi?"

"For the last time, you will refer to me as your Captain. And that is exactly why it matters to me. You will not ignore my authority. I will have your respect, feigned or otherwise." He was glaring at you again, the same look in his eyes from earlier. You tried to match his intensity as you scraped the bottom of your soul for as much courage as you could muster.

"What have you done to make me respect you, Levi? It isn't like you respect me. Or anybody. You don't watch your words for anyone, what makes you think you deserve for me to watch mine because of a stupid title?" You were absolutely fuming with rage towards the man in front of you. His muscles were tense and his jaw was clenched tightly. You wondered if you had seen Levi angry now. Would he be able to make the same threatening comment after this interaction?

Within a second, he had you frozen. He said your name roughly, almost as a growl, and was now so close the ends of his hair brushed your cheeks. "You will not speak to me this way. Continue to treat your superiors as peers. You won't make it past the first mission. Do not become a casualty over a stupid fucking complex." You were sure he was angry now. Your blood was running cold against your will. "Stop looking for attention. If you keep going down this path, the most you will get is at your funeral in the very near future."

For the first time, you had no snark reply to his rage-inducing words. All you truly wanted to do was hit him. It was nearly impossible not to. Your fists were so harshly clenched you could feel the crescent-shaped wounds forming on your palms. All you could form a coherent thought to say was, "Fuck you, Levi."

He backed up, likely for your safety. His hand rose to grip his hair as he exhaled slowly. "Get the hell out. I can't stand to look at you. Forget your punishment. You cannot fix blatant stupidity." 

You accepted his invitation and stormed towards the door, Levi following closely behind. he reached in front of you and practically tore the door off of the wall, slamming it as soon as your feet planted in the hallway.

You wanted to scream.

\---

You sat in a pile of hay at the stables, still filled with anger. You had no way to release it except pressing your fingernails deeper into your palms as you replayed the fight over and over in your brain. You wanted to storm back up to his room and punch him in the face. You despised the smug look on his face as he taunted you. He could dish out any disrespect he wanted, but as soon as you returned the favor, you may as well be dead. 

You heard hay rustling a few yards away. You stood quietly, one hand on the hilt of one of your swords and the other on the trigger for your ODM gear. You began to walk slowly towards the noise, saying, "Hello?" when you drew near. You could see a figure, but it was too dark to know who it was for sure.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were on stables tonight."

It was Eren. He was brushing the mane of a horse as he spoke. You let your guard down.

"What the hell are you doing?" you asked rather harshly. You hadn't meant to say it so angrily.

"Woah, what's wrong with you?" he questioned, placing the brush on the rack to his left and stepping away from the horse. You leaned against the wall next to him.

"I really, really hate Captain Levi," you told him honestly, pinching the bridge of your nose between two fingers.

"Hey, me too. But what's your reasoning?" He kind of laughed with his words, cheering you up a bit.

You told him the story. By the end, you were sitting together in the hay. When you finished, you placed your hands behind your head and leaned back until you were laying down, facing the stars. Eren followed suit.

"Trust me, I get it," he told you, a smile hinting in his voice. "He publicly beat the shit out of me. He's not exactly in my top ten favorite people."  
You laughed, your first time smiling since breakfast. "I don't even think you have a top ten, Eren. Maybe a top two."

"Nah, you're up there somewhere. Probably Reiner and Bertholdt, too. Make it a top five." He looked over at you, pulling his eyes away from the night sky. You did the same. You noticed his eyes were a really pretty green. Jean would puke if he knew you had really just thought that. You chuckled at the thought.

"What have I done to get into Eren Jeager's top five?" you asked him, interested. The two of you hadn't really talked previously.

"Well," he stretched a bit, his shirt lifting to expose a bit of his stomach, "your awful taste in friends aside, you seem like a good person. Fun. Smart. Interesting. Typical top five traits. Your looks definitely aren't a detriment."

You hoped he couldn't see you blush in the dark surrounding you. "Jean would kill me if he knew we were hanging out right now." It was true, but you mostly wanted to redirect the conversation. Eren basically telling you that you were pretty made you happy and made you want to crawl into a deep, dark hole at the same time. Emotions and compliments were not your strong suit.

"Jean doesn't have to know everything, you know. Mikasa wouldn't be a big fan, either." You thought about that for a moment.

"Mikasa is in love with you. Jean hates your guts. There's a bit of a difference in their reasoning, I would say," you told him, grinning.

He ignored your comment about Mikasa and focused on you, instead. "Sure, Jean hates me. But do you?" He looked at you expectantly, his green eyes growing larger.

You looked away for a moment, embarrassed. Then you looked back and met his gaze. "No, I don't suppose I do. Should I?"

"I'd prefer if you didn't, honestly. You're pretty fun to talk to." His lips pulled into a smile as he looked at you meekly. You would typically describe Eren as anything but meek. It suited him.

You looked at each other for a few moments. You noticed how his hair fell messily over his forehead, almost touching his eyebrows. It looked nice shaggier like that. You, for whatever reason, found yourself hoping he didn't cut it anytime soon. He had a slender nose that came to a nice point above his cupid's bow. His lips were slightly parted. They looked inviting. 

After a comfortable silence, you finally said, "Jean doesn't make my decisions for me, you know. Nobody does."

You saw his eyes moving slowly, studying your face. You didn't try to prevent yourself from blushing this time. "I was hoping you'd say that."

"Why is that?" you asked as his face drew closer to yours. Suddenly, Eren was kissing you. Your face grew hot as he pulled away, but you put your hands behind his head and pulled him back towards you. As his hand traveled under your shirt, your worries about explaining this to Jean faded away completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope the eren arc is well received. i liked the idea, and i want the real romance arc (levi) to be a long, slow burn with a lot of tension. i hope you enjoyed it!


	4. surrounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a busy day, you rendezvous with Eren again in the stables.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few things:
> 
> 1\. i usually write these super high. in being super high, i got my timeline completely confused. For some reason, i was convinced marco didn't die at the same time eren found out he was a titan. i have removed marco from the story to fix this. sorry for the inconsistency, but it's all solved now!  
> 2\. this chapter has explicit smut. it's the first scene of this kind that i've written. it's not the best, but i definitely intend to practice and improve as this story goes forward.  
> 3\. this is way longer than the typical chapter.
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy!

You sat next to Jean at lunch, picking at your soup. He was retelling the story of the fight with Eren for the second time that day, each iteration with growing exaggeration of how badly he kicked Eren's ass. You weren't really listening, though. You were mostly rewatching the events of last night in your mind, like you had been since you went to bed after leaving the stables.

Every few minutes, you would feel the tingle of eyes on you across the room. Eren was glancing up at you, either to smile, mock your expression, or just to hold your eyes for a brief moment. You would barely turn up the corners of your mouth in reply, knowing your face gave away the blushing mess you really were. You replayed your own personal highlight reel in your head yet again: the sparkle in his eyes as he pressed your foreheads together; his hair tickling your cheek as he nestled his face into your shoulder; the steam rising from his back when your fingernails raked against it.

"Are you listening?" Connie asked, breaking you from your trance. You wracked your brain trying to remember what they were discussing before Eren sent you to a distracted paradise. 

"Yeah, Jean kicked Eren's ass. He already told us," you tried, your eyes falling when Connie looked at you with disappointment.

"No, I was asking you how yesterday went," he said, meeting your eyes expectantly.

You looked away quickly. "Yesterday? What do you mean?" How could they already know? They would never stop making fun of you for as long as you lived. Jean was probably going to cut your head off.

"With Captain Levi?" Connie reminded you, staring at you like you had gone nuts. "Are you all there today?"

You internally sighed with relief. "Not really, honestly. I was up half the night with the horses. Levi put me on stable duty for two weeks," you answered, quickly seeing that your friends were looking at you for more. "He tried to have me clean all the superior's suites, but when I went to clean his, he said I was being disrespectful and dismissed me before I even started," you snorted, seeing the look in Levi's eyes again as you told them what happened. 

"What did you say to him to make him so angry?" Ymir asked, but Eren had begun to distract you again.

"I don't even remember, honestly," you replied, your eyes floating away to meet the green ones a few tables over.

\---

ODM training was one of your least favorite things about the Survey Corps. It was like Commander Erwin ignored that it was practically half of your cadet training. It had never been hard for you; doing it so repetitively made you absolutely sick of it. Levi was leading training, perched on a branch to better see everyone. Every time you glanced at him, you wanted to barf. He, on the other hand, was paying no attention to you. 

You sliced through another practice pad on a stupid wooden "titan." Sure, the fake titans were cool the first time, but once you had actually been face to face with one, it was nothing but funny. Still, you used it for an outlet for your anger. The only ones in front of you were Mikasa and Reiner, the three of you hardly leaving any practice pads for those behind you. You tried to push Levi's infuriating words and Eren's inviting glances from your mind and throw yourself wholly into the exercise. For whatever stupid reason, you wanted to show Levi that you were one of the best. Perhaps it was spite. 

You landed on the ground at the end of the training course, taking a seat and getting some water as you, Mikasa, and Reiner waited for your remaining comrades. Bertholdt landed soon after you, followed by Eren. You looked down at your canteen, trying your best not to look at Eren as he presumably went to stand with Mikasa. He no longer made ignoring him an option, however, when he sat next to you and opened his canteen. 

"Eren," you said, looking up to meet his eyes, "I don't feel like becoming Mikasa's punching bag today." You weren't looking at her, but you knew she was looking at you.

"She's harmless, don't worry. I was just wondering if you'd be at the stables again tonight." He took a long gulp of water and looked back at you.

"I'll be at the stables every night for two weeks, thanks to Levi," you said, a frown pulling at the corners of your mouth.

"It hasn't been much of a punishment so far, has it?" he asked smugly, his proud smile pulling a laugh out of you. "I'll meet you there again tonight. Don't try to kill me again?" 

"No promises." Your smile faded as Jean landed. Eren spotted him too.

"I'll see you then," he told you quietly, brushing his hand over yours inconspicuously as he got up. He walked towards a glaring Mikasa with a grin, her eyes softening as he got closer. You realized that you felt bad for her; it was a shame Eren didn't feel the same way. Your musing about Mikasa was interrupted as Jean broke the short silence.

"What did he say to you?" he asked you curiously, taking the seat Eren had been in only moments before.

You quickly thought of a lie and answered, "He was supposed to be on stable duty this week. We ran into each other last night, so I sent him back to the dorms. He was asking if I was on stables the rest of the week or if he needed to come back tonight."

Jean nodded and drank from his canteen, leaning back on one hand. "I was wondering today when we would get to visit home again. It's getting kind of boring, staying here and training all the time, don't you think?"

You thought about that for a few moments. You didn't have a home anymore, or even a family. It must have slipped Jean's mind. If the Scouts were allowed leave, you would likely be staying with him, or just staying there. "I bet you miss your mom," you finally decided to say, avoiding the question altogether. You saw a look of realization on his face, and appreciated when he decided to ignore it.

"Yeah, sometimes. I mostly just miss waking up in my own room. Being surrounded by people at all times gets suffocating, you know? It seems like the good people are getting fewer and far between." You saw the frown on his face, and knew he was likely thinking about Marco. 

You nudged his shoulder with yours. "I'm not going anywhere, big guy. As much as you might want me to." He looked down at you, grinning. He already knew that.

\---

When you made it to the stables, Eren was already sat in the pile of hay the two of you laid in the night before. He greeted you and patted the spot next to him, motioning for you to sit down. The two of you talked meaninglessly for a while, tender touches and chaste kisses sprinkled in between words. After a while, he asked you to tell him about yourself.

"There isn't much to tell," you said, thinking.

"Well, where are you from? What's your family like?" he asked you innocently, his fingers tracing your knuckles.

"I don't like to talk about that stuff. After Wall Maria, I was the only one left in my family. Even Jean doesn't know where I'm from, or even my mom's name. I guess it's easier to pretend it never existed." You clenched your hand into a fist under Eren's fingers, clearly uncomfortable. You looked away from him.

"Let's skip that then. What's your favorite color?"

You laughed, relaxing. "I like green. Like grass and trees." You started to get embarrassed as you realized it was also the color of his eyes, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Mine is probably blue. Like the ocean."

"What's your happiest memory?" you asked him. The two of you went back and forth like that for what seemed like hours, pausing between to change how you were sitting, or laying, or just stopping to stare at each other for a few moments. 

After some minutes of silence following your last answer, you laid on his chest with your eyes closed, listening to him breathe. Finally, he said, "My mom's name was Carla. She died at Wall Maria, too."

You were quiet for a few moments, then you said, "Did you see it happen?"

"Yeah." His chest grew tense. You were sure that if you looked up you would see the beginnings of tears pricking his eyes.

"You're like me, then." You ran your fingers across his ribs, trailing circles on his stomach. His arm grew tighter around you. You looked up at him slowly, meeting his bright green eyes that cut through the intense darkness outside. He removed his hand from where it rested on your stomach to cradle the back of your head, wrapping your hair in his fingers and pulling you closer to him. He kissed you, softly at first, but with growing passion as the kiss went on. His lips tasted sweet like watermelon, the salt from his skin being the perfect complement. He pulled you on top of him so that you were straddling him, letting his hands run down your back and up again, this time under your shirt. His hands were soft. He healed too quickly for the rough callouses that covered most of the Scouts' hands. 

Your own hands were placed gently on either of his cheeks as he explored your body, soft fingertips tracing your spine, collarbones, breasts, stomach, and hipbones. Your breathing hitched as his lips moved to your neck, your fingers traveling to tangle themselves in his hair. You threw your head back and let a soft moan escape your lips. Without breaking his lips' hold on your neck, he gently flipped you so that you laid on the hay under him. He kissed down your collar bones, pausing for just a moment to lift your shirt over your head. When you tugged at the hem of his, he reached back and pulled it off in a single motion. 

You loved the feeling of his skin on yours as he continued his path with his mouth, from your shoulder, to your clavicle, to your left breast. His lips attached to your nipple, suckling gently and letting his teeth graze it every once in a while. Your back arched, his name escaping your mouth almost silently. He kissed down your stomach and finally made it to the waistband of your pants, looking up at you with wide eyes and swollen lips. When you nodded, he unbuttoned them slowly, sliding them down your legs and placing them gently on the hay. 

He placed methodical kisses on your inner thighs as you spread your legs, trailing upwards with each lick and bite. It felt like tiny shocks of electricity each time his warm mouth took your cold skin between his teeth. When his tongue finally landed on you, you were in ecstasy. You felt it shoot upwards through your body as he gently toyed with your clit, sucking softly as your hands found his hair. You kept trying to pull him closer, your hips rolling slightly to meet the intense pleasure at the source.

He moved his tongue against you for what you wished was forever, pressure swelling inside your core. His fingers slid into you with ease, your opening completely slick. He worked at your spot relentlessly, his long fingers twisting and bending to make your experience as pleasurable as possible. After a while, he gently pulled away, causing you to whine at the loss of sensation. Everything building up inside of you seemed to fade almost completely as he rose back up level with your eyes. His mouth was wet from you, glistening in the warm light of the lantern. Still, you leaned up and kissed him with as much as you could muster, your tongues falling recklessly in each others mouths as he used one arm to prop himself and the other to unbuckle his belt shakily. You reached down and finished the job quickly, yanking the buckle apart and sliding his pants down his hips. 

You took him in one of your hands, stroking him softly has you continued to kiss him passionately. You bent your knees to allow him better access as you positioned him at your entrance. He took your other hand into his, placing it next to your head and interlocking your fingers tightly as he pushed into you slowly, whimpering quietly as he buried himself completely in you. 

"Eren," you gasped, shocked at your sudden fullness like you hadn't been reliving it since last night. He nestled his face into your shoulder as he started to move back and forth, leaving chaste bites on your collar bone. He smelled like vanilla and sweat. It was currently your favorite scent in the world -- he was intoxicating like this; his body surrounded you in the most comforting, gentle way. Sex with him was a side you had never seen before; he was usually so grandiose and angry, but when he was intimate like this he was anything but. He was caring and gentle. He was a giver. He whimpered and moaned where you would expect grunts and groans. He would whisper your name over and over into your ear, like he was doing then. Your body would tingle with each time he said it, pushing you closer and closer to the edge.

He took his head from your shoulder and his hand from yours, pressing his lips against yours with pure desire. He hooked his arms under your knees, pulling you upwards. He created an angle that left you breathless as he thrusted into your spot relentlessly. Your fingernails found his back, leaving long scratches down either spot as steam rose and healed it almost immediately. He stifled your intense moans with his own mouth as he slipped his tongue between your teeth. He moved his lips to your neck yet again, letting your moans free as he let his own slip out. "Are you close?" he asked you, looking into your eyes for the first time since you had begun.

"Yes," you told him breathlessly, causing him to speed up and continue his assault on the most sensitive parts of your neck. All of the pressure building inside of you exploded in a second, sending volts of electricity through your whole body and his name out of your mouth with a string of expletives as you came, pulsing around him in ecstasy as his strokes became sloppy and out of rhythm. He kissed you as he pulled out of you quickly, releasing himself onto your stomach with a moan that sent vibrations across your lips. 

When you managed to pull yourselves apart, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "I came prepared this time, love," he told you blissfully, wiping you clean. He threw the cloth to the side and slid his arms around you tightly, holding your head to his chest as you both caught your breath.

Stable duty wasn't half bad, after all.


	5. rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all!  
> it's been a while since i've updated, and i feel i owe a bit of an explanation to my readers.   
> my boyfriend got laid off from his job and i've been working 7 days a week to keep up with the bills. i lost my second job (babysitting/homeschooling) when the girls i sat went back to in-person school last week. luckily, we have enough to last us the month and he has an interview this week. i'm sure he'll get the job! i've had quite a stressful time and unfortunately i've had no time to write, as i'm also a full time college student. i'm allowing myself as much time for hobbies like writing as i can. updates should not be this far apart again, but they may be just a bit slower than they were at first.  
> i said in some comments that i would be updating last night, and i'm so sorry for not keeping that promise! we're in the middle of this snowstorm and our heat stopped working yesterday. we've been moving our stuff to my parents' house & it left me without time to finish the chapter.   
> thank you for your support & i hope you enjoy this chapter and the ones to come! <3

Erwin had made an announcement at breakfast, and it took a few hours to settle into your bones. At first, you were excited -- you all were before the reality of the next few days really set in. Finally, something different, you had thought, knowing your friends shared the sentiment. Now, as you laid out your uniform for the events of tomorrow morning, fear infected your brain. There would be a scouting expedition outside the walls tomorrow. 

You had just returned from another stables rendezvous with Eren. Today made a week of meeting him every night. You had one more week of bliss ahead of you, and this had to fuck it all up. You were angry, and afraid, and exhausted. Everyone was fast asleep around you, making you envious. You doubted you would be able to sleep much that night. You dropped into your bed, letting out a soft groan. You loved being a Scout, and you weren't necessarily afraid of titans, either. You were mostly afraid of losing someone. Before every mission, you thought about your friends. Sometimes you felt like you were the only one in the group that wondered if you would all make it back alive. 

You tried to distract yourself by thinking about Eren, but it didn't work. He was nothing but excited about tomorrow's expedition. He had talked about it all night while you nodded your head in agreement, not wanting to ruin his mood. You knew you would be riding alongside him and your friends the next day, led by Levi. Having Sasha, Connie, and Jean near you would ease your mind a bit, you hoped. It was hard to be upset that you were on Levi's squad, despite hating him. At least you knew your friends would be well protected.

After what felt like hours of laying there in frightening thought, you finally drifted off to sleep. Instead of terrifying memories in your dreams, you saw your friends being eaten right in front of you. It's safe to say you didn't sleep for long.

\---

You could feel your horse breathing underneath you. His breaths were slow and calm. You wished you could share his collected nature. Your breaths, on the other hand, were shallow and quick. You could feel your heartbeat in your skull; it seemed to block out all the noise around you. You started forward, kicking your heel into your horse's side as your eyes focused on the back of Levi's head. Jean was next to you, then Eren and Mikasa. Connie, Sasha, and Armin were behind. You thought Jean might have said something before he smiled over at you, but you couldn't hear him. As the walls grew further behind you, your heart sunk to your stomach. 

You could see red flares shot along the edges of the formation every few minutes. It was morbid, but you couldn't help but be glad that you and your friends were positioned in the middle. You worried for Historia and Ymir, but you knew they wouldn't allow anything to happen to the other if they could help it. They were likely safer with each other than they would be with Erwin himself. 

It was unlikely that you and your friends would encounter a titan on this mission until it was time to complete your objective. The goal was to capture an abnormal titan; it was mostly to satisfy Hange's insatiable curiosity, but there was no denying that any information would be valuable to the people of Paradis. 

You saw it. A mix of "finally" and anxiety settled into your bones as the black flare shot into the sky, seemingly straight into the sun. It was on the edge of the formation, too far for you to actually lay your eyes on the titan. Then, less than a minute later, another column of black erupted -- closer this time. You winced at the thought of your dead comrades on the edge. Another erupted, even closer to the middle. 

"This titan is moving impossibly fast," Jean commented, his voice strained in worry. Levi did not look back, or at the flares. 

"Stay focused on the objective," he said flatly, not allowing his eyes to falter even as the flares grew closer. 

You could see the titan now, just barely. The top of its head was covered in dull brown hair. It seemed to be a quadriped titan; it ran like an animal, the ground exploding around each step. You tried to ignore the blood and limbs mixed with it. It wasn't easy. It and the black smoke grew so close you couldn't stand it.

"Levi," you called, your voice unwavering despite your stomach being in knots. "What do we do?"

"Focus on your mission."

"Do you see how many people are dead?" you asked, anger filling your chest. "We cannot capture this titan."

"What did you expect to happen? Did you think the abnormal we captured would be The Peaceful Titan? Don't act dense. You are a soldier. Focus on your orders," the ice in his voice fueled the fire in yours.

"So we're to wait around while our comrades die?"

"Yes."

You could see it clearly now. The titan bounded toward the middle. You were nowhere near where you needed to be to successfully capture it. There were no trees, nothing to grab onto. The plan was absolutely meaningless. It was like you were blinded when you saw its horrifying face. You were sure this would be the moment you experienced your friends meeting their end. Connie shot his flare as it edged closer.

"Push forward," Levi stated coldly. "It will chase."

"Our horses can't move that fast," Armin spoke up. "We'll be dead before we reach the forest." You could feel the ground shake. Fellow scouts approached it in waves, five to ten of them fighting to protect Levi Squad at a time, and all of them dying one by one before your eyes.

It happened so quickly you knew you'd be completely unable to recall any of the events unfolding in front of you. Like time skipped, the titan was gripping Jean in its hand, so large it nearly covered him entirely as it lifted him to its open mouth. You weren't sure what happened between witnessing your worst fear and your ODM gear penetrating the titan's shoulder, but you were hurdling toward the titan without any plans. 

Your instincts kicked in as you ripped out of its shoulder and connected your gear to its legs instead, slicing the wrist that held Jean on your way down. You went for its ankles in an attempt to render it immobile, but you knew it could continue to drag itself forward with its hands if need be. It fell, unable to catch itself because of the deep slice in its wrist. You watched, almost allowing yourself to smile, as Jean wiggled free and climbed atop Connie's horse. Your celebration was cut short, however, when the titan's knee fell onto your leg, pinning you to the ground.

Everything was blurry for a moment after your head slammed to the ground. It was almost enough to keep you from feeling the excruciating pain in your left leg as the bone snapped. But not quite. You laid there in absolute agony, unsure of what exactly was going on around you. You could feel the heat as the titan healed above you, but you couldn't focus enough to consider what would happen when it healed completely. 

One second you were still on the ground, hearing the shouts of your friends as slurred-together, entirely meaningless words. The next, you were in the titan's hand, your body completely enveloped. The pressure on your leg was not doing you any favors. The only coherent thought in your head was that you were absolutely going to die.

In your next conscious moment, you were laid across a pair of arms -- a touch you didn't recognize. Your vision was blurred as you tried to see the face above you, slowly coming into focus. The head was backlit by the sun, like a halo. You felt your lips turn up a bit, woozy and dreamy. Your smile dropped as your eyes focused and the pain set back in.

Levi was holding you. The titan lay dead behind him.

\---

You were getting tired of blurry vision. You awoke in an infirmary bed, your leg elevated in the air by some sort of sling. Your eyes started to flutter closed again, though you fought your hardest. The only thing able to keep you from returning to peaceful and painless sleep was the voice piping up at your side.

"Are you a fucking idiot?"

Levi. Again. You were absolutely exhausted from his seemingly constant presence.

"Sometimes. Why?" you managed to get out of your aching, dry throat. You looked around for water and saw some on the table next to you. You started to sit up and reach for it, but he knocked your hand back to your side with his own and grabbed it quickly. He handed it to you, almost gently. You took it from him, brow furrowed, and lifted it to your mouth.

"Do you realize how completely stupid your stunt out there was? You nearly died," he told you, leaning back in his chair.

"Was I supposed to just let it eat Jean?" you asked him, anger in your voice. "I would've rather died."

"No, you were supposed to let me handle it. You had no orders to attack."

"I didn't need orders. My friend was about to die. You weren't handling it."

"I ended up handling it anyway, didn't I? If you would've stood down in the first place, I could've done it without any injuries on my squad. But, because you had to protect your boyfriend and couldn't trust your commanding officer, I'm left with one of my best soldiers stuck in bed for no fucking reason. Can you see how frustrating that is?"

"He's not my boyfriend," you told him. It felt stupid that that was the first thing that came from your mouth.

"Ah, yes," he pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "There's the boyfriend situation as well."

"What boyfriend situation?"

"Eren came to sit with you last night. He felt inclined to recount certain events in the stables," He said flatly, his grey eyes piercing yours with strange anger.

You were mortified. Your hand clenched around the glass of water so tightly you were sure it would break. You struggled to maintain eye contact, the last thing you wanted being showing weakness to the insufferable man sat beside you.

"He's already aware that I know, and is awaiting punishment. I haven't yet decided what would best suit this situation. I'm sure your fellow soldiers know, as well. I wasn't exactly secretive in my scolding," he smirked, so small you were sure you wouldn't have noticed it it your eyes weren't focused so solely on his expression. 

You finally gained the courage to speak as his words sent rage flooding through your veins. "Why does it matter to you?"

"Well, you broke explicit rules, to start with. Secondly, what if you were to fall pregnant? Do you realize how dangerous that could be for yourself? Not to mention that Eren is not entirely safe to be around; we do not know all that there is to know about his titan. He is dangerous."

"He's not dangerous, Levi."

"Perhaps he isn't. But I can assure you that I am. If there's one thing you will learn before you are healed enough to fight again, it's respect. I'm tired of you acting stupid, brat. Grow up a bit."

You huffed, taking a gulp from your glass of water. You refused to look at him.

"I'll be back to monitor your progress. For now, I have to leave. I'm sure your friends would like to discuss your secret meetings with Eren, anyway. I think I saw Jean waiting in the hall."

With that, he rose, took the glass from your hand and set it on the table, turned, and left.

You promptly decided that you were fucked.


	6. betrayal

As Jean sat in the chair Levi previously occupied, all you could think about is how badly you wanted to go back to sleep. He sat with his knees spread, looking straight down at the floor between them. He hadn't made eye contact with you once since he walked in. You tried desperately to think of something to say; an apology seemed too forced, but you couldn't think of any other way to console him. You had fucked up, plain and simple.

You didn't try to rationalize your actions within your thoughts; you knew better than that. It was blatant. You were involved with someone you knew your best friend disliked greatly. If you had talked to him about it, you thought, perhaps he would have understood. He wouldn't have been angry; he isn't childish. He wouldn't have liked the idea at first, but he'd have warmed up by now. Instead of taking the easy way, you elected the hard one without a second thought. You hid it from him, and now you would have to answer for it.

You fiddled with your hands, trying to ignore both the pain in your leg and the anxiety in your chest. The seconds of silence grew longer and longer until they felt like hours. Finally, you spoke up.

"Jean, I --"

"You lied to me. More than once." He finally looked up at you, and you wished he hadn't. He looked absolutely betrayed. "I don't even care about the situation with Eren." He winced. "Okay, I care a little bit. But the worst part is that you hid it all from me." He looked at you, his eyes begging for a reply. He was hurt.

"I know. I should've talked to you after the first time. It just felt like what was done was done, and I thought you would be angry with me, and I --"

"That's bullshit. Surely you know me better than that. I wouldn't have been angry at you. Angry at Eren? Totally. But I'm always angry at Eren. Fuck, I might have made fun of you for a couple of days, but I'm not a child. I'm not going to stop being your friend because you're dating -- or fucking, whatever -- some dude I don't like. Don't use my feelings as an excuse. You clearly didn't care about them when you chose to lie to me. I've never lied to you." He paused, looking down again. You felt tears prick at your eyes. 

When he looked back up, you saw that there were tears in his, too. "I mean, I came to see you and take care of you because you're my best friend and you literally saved my life, right? Ymir tells me that Eren is in there right now, and I'm confused. I'm not angry, though. You deserve company, and you deserve to have someone caring for you. Especially after you risked everything for me. So I waited outside -- which I've been doing for hours, you should know. Even after I found out, I never left. Next thing I know Captain Levi is yelling at him, and I hear all this shit about how you've been having sex in the stables, of all places. I don't even know the full story. Or any of the story, really. You've told me fucking nothing."

You took a deep breath, unsure of what to say. He was absolutely right, and you knew that. You were completely out of defense. "You're right, Jean. I'm so sorry. I don't have any excuses, and I'll tell you anything you want to know. I shouldn't have hidden anything from you and I won't again. I promise." You tried to turn your the corners of your mouth up, but it was difficult. Between the physical and emotional pain you were feeling, you decided you likely wouldn't be smiling for a while.

He reached over and laid his hand on top of yours and returned your barely-there smile. "Don't take this as complete forgiveness. I'm still pissed. I'll be pissed for a while. But you just saved my life, and your leg is broken. You deserve some slack." He got up from his seat and came towards the bed, nudging your hand. "Are you physically capable of scooting over?"

You winced as you inched over to the right side of the bed. "My leg is kind of stuck. You're going to have to squeeze under it," you told him, pulling him towards you. He laid down as gently as possible, putting one arm around you and the other behind his head. You leaned on his chest as much as you could, but with the sling, there wasn't really much opportunity to be comfortable. 

"I hope you know this conversation isn't over. I want to know everything. Every gory detail," he said sternly, earning a laugh.

You recounted the events of the past week, from the very first night in the stables with Eren to just the night before. You weren't shy with details, as requested; it was hilarious to see Jean's face scrunch up in disgust as you told him about the steam from his back and how he cleaned you up. You weren't surprised when he still somehow had questions.

"So, you just had sex with him? Like out of nowhere? One second you've had nothing but passing conversations, and the next you're shacking up in the stables? I didn't know you were easy," he joked. You snorted and smacked his chest playfully.

"Shut up," you told him, laughing. Then you thought about his question for a minute. "I don't know, I guess he was easy to talk to. It gets pretty lonely here, relationship-wise. I'm sure any of us would be easy if the opportunity arose. If Mikasa pulled her head out of Eren's ass for a few seconds and so much as looked at you, I'm sure your pants would hit the floor before she got a word in."

"Fuck you. Don't be an ass," he chuckled, a bit of blush creeping into his cheeks. "But seriously, why him? He doesn't really strike me as your type. He's really loud, for starters. He also has a lot of feelings. You aren't good with feelings."

"I can't really think of any other guys that seem even slightly appealing. Thinking of you that way makes me want to gag. Connie acts like our 9-year-old little brother."

"Armin? Reiner? Bertholdt?"

"Armin has even more feelings than Eren. That would not work. I'm also pretty sure Reiner and Bertholdt are fucking behind the scenes," you told him, kind of joking, but not really.

"I think Erwin's single," he teased, raising his eyebrows. "No, but I get why, I guess. Now that you mention it, I can totally see the Reiner and Bertholdt thing." He thought for a moment, coming up with more questions, you assumed. "So, are you guys just fucking, or do you like him? Like really like him?" He looked concerned. 

You thought about that for a while, considering all the little moments in the stables inside your head. It only confused you more.

You looked over at his expectant eyes and said, "I don't really know."


	7. questioning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is super short, but i didn't want to add too much more as this was a sensitive chapter. hopefully you'll see why and understand. big news at the end!

After a while, Jean moved back to his chair, and you had full domain of the small infirmary bed that would become your home for the next week or so. He was sound asleep, light snores erupting from him every few seconds. It seemed that you wouldn't be lonely, at least, during your time trapped in this abysmal room. The walls were made of dilapidated wood that seemed as if it would crack open at any moment. There was a cobweb in the corner, and you were sure there were more. You grabbed your water, looking at the sip that was left and debating if you wanted it now or in the morning. Jean had already filled it up three times, and you weren't going to wake him up to ask again. 

You sighed, the air only making your throat ache worse. You promptly decided that you could not stand being helpless. You had never been helpless. It was bullshit. You lifted the glass to your lips and attempted to savor the last gulp until morning. It wasn't enough.

The door creaked open slowly, soft candlelight pouring in through the crack. You tensed, expecting it was Levi coming back for more snide remarks. Instead, you were greeted with comforting green eyes and a fresh glass of water. 

"Eren," you smiled, your voice barely above a whisper as you nodded your head toward the sleeping Jean at your side. He grinned back at you, walking forward to set the glass on your table, then taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He lifted his hand and combed a piece of hair out of your face, tucking it behind your ear. He lingered on your cheek.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly, his eyebrows drawn together with concern. You leaned your head further into his hand, closing your eyes.

"I'm just feeling a bit helpless. Thanks for bringing me water," you told him, letting the corners of your mouth pull up into a small smile. He drew circles on your cheek with his thumb. 

"Anytime." He cut his eyes to Jean, and then back to you. "I'm sorry for all of this. I was just talking to you while you were sleeping, and I had no idea Captain Levi could hear me. I didn't mean for this to happen." He looked genuinely apologetic, with a frown that didn't suit his features. Happiness looked gorgeous on him, and anger made him an object of desire, but sadness was not his color.

"It's not your fault, it's mine. I knew better than to hide it from him. I've never hidden anything else," you said. You meant it. You were ashamed.

You figured Eren could tell that the subject was sensitive with how quickly he changed it. "You were really brave out there, you know. It takes a lot to put your life on the line for someone," he told you, dropping his hand from your face and resting it on your clenched fist. His thumb continued their tenderly drawn circles as you rolled that around in your head for a moment.

"It didn't," you said, looking down. "Take a lot, I mean. Not for the people I love. I'd put my life on the line for him any day." 

He thought about your words for a minute before placing his hand back on your face and lifting it until your eyes met his. "I'm the same. I get so embarrassingly emotional and angry at the world. I just want everything for the people that mean the most to me. You've really quickly started to be one of those people, you know. You mean a lot to me."

Another sensitive subject. You gulped, feeling your face getting hot. This was too much, too soon. You weren't even sure how you felt about him yet. "Eren, I-" you stopped, seeing his soft features hardening as his hand fell defeatedly from its place on your cheek. Realization. "I'm not good at this stuff. I've really liked hanging out with you, and the sex is obviously great. I don't want any of it to stop. I just don't think we're looking for the same things in each other." And just like that, your decision was made. You did like Eren -- it would be impossible not to after the nights you had shared with him -- but you didn't want it to go anywhere. He wasn't anything like you, you thought. Sure, you shared some trauma and similar drives, but your personalities were incompatible. You never saw it extending past your two weeks of stable duty.

"I see," he winced. "I thought this was going somewhere a lot different." He started to get up.

"Eren, don't --"

"I just need to go. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow."

And with that, he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! i hope you enjoyed this short chapter. i am so happy to read all of the kind words you've left and it's really made my heart swell. i can't describe the joy it brings me that people enjoy my work. i had a few things to tell everyone that i'm super excited about!!
> 
> first, the coolest news imo. i've started a tumblr where i'll be taking oneshot/headcanon requests. it'll basically be the central hub for all of my work. requests are open and i'm excited to start! here's the link: https://clefairymuke.tumblr.com/  
> i'm working less, and my boyfriend got the job i mentioned, so i have way more time to write! 
> 
> second, i'll be uploading a new chapter of regrets every five days. no more weird waiting periods, i'm finally getting my shit together.
> 
> and finally, if you'd like to follow me on tik tok, @clefairymuke, i'll be posting about uploads, new things for tumblr, and some fan content.
> 
> thank you so much, again, for all of the support. i love you all <3


	8. apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i'll be updating every five days, i have my shit together" -me, 10 days ago

On the third day in the infirmary, your life had become hell. It had begun to feel like a prison cell. The walls seemed to draw in more tightly each day.

It would be two weeks before your leg would heal enough to try to walk, according to Hange. Until then, you were stuck in bed with Jean as your errand boy. Levi had made an appearance just the day before to inform you that he felt your affliction was punishment enough, but to "watch your step." His choice of words made you want to laugh, but you decided not to start any fights with the Captain when you couldn't even get out of bed. 

Eren hadn't been back. It almost felt like a betrayal. You wished privately that things could've just stayed how they were; you almost hated him for trying to go further. He was fun, and a good distraction from the hell you lived each day. It was unfair.

Jean was gone to grab your lunch, leaving you to your thoughts. Your mind wasn't the happiest place in the world presently, and you hoped it wouldn't take him much longer. You were lucky to have a friend like Jean, you thought, watching water drip slowly from a leak in the ceiling. If not for him, would your life be laying here in silence for weeks? You ran your hands through your hair.

The door opened, but instead of Jean, you saw Levi.

"This is the third day in a row. Are you making it a habit?" you asked as he stood leaned against the door frame, his arms folded over his chest. He was in a long-sleeve grey shirt and slacks. While it was casual, it looked much more presentable than your nightgown.

"I'm just seeing how you're doing. Hange wanted me to ask if you needed anything," he said flatly. You wondered if he ever said anything with any emotion in his voice. The monotone was irritating.

You looked around to see if there was anything you or Jean had forgotten. "I don't think so. Jean has been taking pretty good care of me," you told him. He came towards you, long strides that would've felt threatening if there was any hint of anger in his eyes. He reached out next to you and closed his hand around your glass. It was empty.

"Has he?" he asked, shaking the glass as if you couldn't see that it was dry. "I'll go get you some water. Fluids are important for healing, you know." He turned on his heel and left the room for a few moments before returning. Instead of placing the glass on your bedside table, he made you take it in your hand. "Drink. You need to stay healthy. Is Jean bringing your lunch?"

You nodded, lifting the glass to your lips. You expected him to leave then, but he took a seat in the chair next to your bed instead. You looked at him expectantly, but he showed no signs of speaking. He crossed one leg over the other so that his ankle rested on his knee and leaned back a bit, taking a breath. "Do you need something else?" you asked, setting your water down and bringing your hands to rest on your stomach.

"I am hardly ever wrong, so don't expect this often," he started, crossing his arms. "Hange has been set on the idea that I should apologize to you. I'm not doing that, but I will say one thing. You were not wrong to risk your life for your friend. Regardless of your talent as a soldier, I cannot penalize you for that. Though it's been a long time, I've done the same. And if they were still here, I would continue to do so."

Your eyes must have been tricking you, you thought, because for a moment you could've sworn his features looked soft. His face hardened back up in a split second, though, as the door creaked open and Jean entered with your plate. He rose from his seat and started out.

"Levi," you called to him, causing him to stop. He turned his head just barely over his shoulder, acknowledging you. Your breath caught in your throat for a second, unsure of what to say, but you quickly decided on something simple. "Thank you," you said.

For a moment, as he turned back and left, you thought you saw the beginnings of a smile.

\---

The days continued like this for what felt like forever. Eren had not come back. Levi had not stopped in. It was just you and Jean, talking the days away, playing card games and gossiping. You finally convinced him after a week to stop sleeping in that god awful wooden chair, so your nights were now spent alone. You didn't sleep much, listening to the water drip or counting cobwebs when you could catch a smidgen of moonlight. Levi's words had stuck in your head with no sign of leaving for the past ten days. It was strange to see him so vulnerable. It almost made him seem human.

It was one of the lonely nights now, and hopefully the last. Your leg stopped aching a while ago from being stuck in the sling, but you were excited to be rid of it. The only time you were able to take it down is when Jean physically carried you to the bathroom as if you weren't capable of limping. You moved around as much as you could, trying to get comfortable. It was nearly impossible. You started to count the cobwebs: one in the top left corner, two on the left of your bed, three above the door. That's when it hit you.

"Fuck me," you groaned aloud, shifting uncomfortably. There was a sharp ache in your bladder, and Jean wasn't there to carry you to the bathroom against your will. You mentally cursed yourself for telling him to go sleep in his bed. You sat up, trying to unstrap the sling as gently as possible without your leg slamming down onto the bed. You failed, wincing as your foot made contact with the bed frame. You turned to the side, your right foot on the floor, and lifted your left leg slowly until it found its place next to your right. It took all the strength you had just to lift yourself from the bed. You immediately had to catch yourself on the bedside table -- two weeks of bedrest had done you no favors. You managed to hop your way to the door, thanking god your other leg didn't suffer any injuries.

You felt a small sense of pride as you exited the room on your own. Your left hand was pressed against the wall of the hallway as hopped along, panting as if you were running a marathon. Beads of sweat began to form on your forehead. "Fuck," you muttered as the hallway came to an end, feeding into an open space lined with infirmary rooms and a bathroom to the far left. 

Your right leg was practically on fire. You stood with your hand against the wall for a moment more before, despite your better judgement, you hopped out into the open towards the bathroom. You made it a few steps, right foot hitting the floor so loudly it almost sounded like a titan was storming through the infirmary, before you hit the floor. "Shit," you winced, rubbing your leg with weak arms. You tried to push yourself back up to stand, but the closer you got, the more it hurt when your ass hit the floor. You gave up, bringing your hands atop your head -- partly to rest them and partly to pull the hair bordering your forehead. 'Should I start yelling for help?,' you thought, quickly deciding against it. Avoiding embarrassment is typically the best option in these situations. You decided to just drag yourself along the floor; the bathroom wasn't too far.

You placed your hands on either side of your body and tried to push yourself forward. The unfinished wood didn't make for the easiest slide, but you figured you'd make it there eventually. After five minutes passed and you'd made only five feet of progress, you decided to rest again.

"Is there a reason you're sitting in the floor?" you heard Levi's voice behind you. You turned your head towards him, an apologetic grin on your face.

"I had to go to the bathroom. Didn't think it would be this difficult. You think you could help me?" you asked him defeatedly. "Usually Jean carries me, but I made him start sleeping in his own bed. Bad decision on my part."

He started towards you, holding out his hand. You grabbed it and allowed him to pull you up as he tossed your arm around his shoulder. He wrapped his around your waist. He looked at you, his eyebrow slightly raised. "You would think Eren would have half a mind to come stay with you. You shouldn't be alone all night without a way to get anywhere," he told you, taking the first step forward and practically dragging you along. 

"Eren and I are no longer a going concern, you'll be happy to know," you said, face drawn up in pain from your leg.

He shook his head, taking another step. "I was angry because the two of you broke the rules, not because you were involved with him. Is this hurting you?" he asked, turning his head towards you. You looked back at him, your faces a bit too close for comfort. Was that concern in his eyes?

"Uh, yeah, actually," you forced out. "Getting here from my infirmary room was pretty exhausting."

"Here, I'll carry you."

"That won't be necessary."

"Don't argue, just let me."

"No, thank you."

You bickered back and forth like this for a minute before he said your name, a tinge of anger in his tone. "Let me carry you," he said, his slate grey eyes burning holes in yours.

"First name basis, are we?" you teased, conceding. He placed one arm under your legs and the other behind your back, lifting you quickly. "Huh, Jean usually struggles and wheezes a little bit." You folded your arms across your chest and tried to avoid looking directly up at him. This, in your opinion, was the definition of humiliating. If Jean had the pleasure of seeing this, he'd have comedy material for weeks.

"You've seemed to think we are, for some reason," he commented, adjusting the arm under your legs. "On a first name basis, I mean. And Jean struggles because he's a crybaby. Or he's just making fun of you, one of the two."

"I just like to get under your skin. You're usually an asshole, you know."

"I know." He stopped at the bathroom door, setting you down gently. "Are you going to be able to make it in there?" he asked, raising his eyebrow just barely. You've identified a new face for Levi: concern. 

"I'll be fine. And take a few steps away or something, I don't want you to hear anything. Don't be weird," you said, opening the door. He shook his head and took a few steps back.

Having someone carry you back from the bathroom was admittedly nice. You spotted all the places where you had to stop and catch your breath. You and Levi continued your idle conversation on the way back; you had to admit, you didn't hate him nearly as much as you did the day of your injury. You didn't particularly like him, but he wasn't the worst person in the world. The two of you entered your room, and he laid you down gently. He strapped your leg back up with the care of a nurse and tossed a blanket atop your body. "Go to sleep. Hange wants you to start walking tomorrow," he commanded.

"Yes, Captain," you saluted jokingly, then pulled the blanket around until you were comfortable. You watched him take a step back before sitting down in the wooden chair, leaning back. "What are you doing?"

"I told you someone should be here with you. Go to sleep," he ordered, resting his hands on his stomach.

You nodded, closing your eyes. For the first time in a while, you fell asleep with ease.


End file.
